New glasses ordered

Had fun getting new glasses today. Got money put on HSA card to cover the extra that vision insurance doesn't cover. Well 2 vision insurances are not insurance, but discounts. One is a 30% discount and one is 20% discount so I can get 2 pair glasses. Pick out a pair of sunglasses and a pair of glasses. There are no prices on the glasses samples. Total is $1400 with discount plus another $70 co-pay for eye doctor visit. Um, I don't have that much on my HSA card. Tell clerk I didn't realize glasses cost $900-$1000. The clerk says he wished he knew that. He goes behind the counter to bring out a couple drawers that are $179. Getting 1 pair this time. They are ugly. He grabs all the pink ones. I am not crazy over pink though my sweater I am wearing is a pale pink. Finally decide in decorative blue ones. I don't really like them, but I can tolerate them like a lot of things I wear. Hey, I have buy what people make. Drop the polycarbon for plastic that will be heavier. Then take off the reflective coating that my current glasses have. Which probably explains why I hardly use my sunglasses and have trouble seeing at night cause reflective coating makes everything darker. Got price to reasonable rate then they have to add on the co-pay. Now my HSA card declined. Check the balance and still won't go through. I realized I have less on my card than I thought cause I didn't put money on my card this month cause I needed it for groceries. After I got my paycheck Monday, I had plenty of money to get me to the next paycheck. That is no longer the case. I want to cry.

Secretary back

Secretary came back today. Doesn't need surgery but do physical therapy. That's a relief.

Now the funeral is over now we have to wait to see Mom's financial advisor to get her money. Sister told them Mom died so accounts are frozen until she produces the death certificate. She got that so have to wait for the financial advisor appointment next month. I am not sure what's in her checking and savings. Sister's name is on all Mom's accounts as Power of Attorney. Have to pay for the funeral first, then see if Mom owes any taxes. Sister still hasn't given me her tax documents yet. Mom had life insurance and sister has to find the paperwork to put in a claim. I won't be a millionaire, but won't be in the poorhouse either. Roommate commented how my Mom's death saved my a**. No, her death saved his a** from being kicked out when my IRAs reach $0. I would be kicking him out in a couple months if had not died. I tried to light a fire last December to get a job or he will be booted in a couple months. He did get a fast food job as shift lead and quit after a few weeks when they wouldn't give him hours. Seriously, why hire him, train him, and then not have him work for a week. He says his manager is a heroin addict and encourages alcohol consumption while working. Who knows what the truth is with him. He screeched how manager was over an hour late to work once. Trying to hang on.

Had a good funeral

Back from the funeral. Church was half full. I made it through the eulogy as a stoic statue. Split up the flowers and I got angel figurine I picked out at the flower shop when deciding on casket flowers and baskets to go around the coffin. Now going back to live as usual. Gotta work tomorrow.

Mom's Eulogy

When Mom turned 80, us kids threw a big party for her at her senior living community. The theme was “A Life Well Lived”. She commented to me how she didn’t really do anything with her life. She joked when Dad retired from the railroad that she never gets to retire from cooking and cleaning. Before she married, she was a secretary at an insurance company and continued until she became a mother. Her children were her life. We had a large display of things about her life well lived. Her yearbooks, old photos of her family, her awards, her ribbons from county fairs she had in scrap books, objects she had sewn, and I got a Barbie doll with a poodle skirt to represent her youth graduating high school in 1957 to be part of the display. She played the clarinet in the school band, participated in 4-H complete with a trophy that she won but could not accept in person because she had the mumps. Her sister had to accept it for her. She had Order of Rainbow Girls pins displayed in her home. She babysat, taught Sunday School, taught craft projects to junior high kids at my school, sang in the church choir, participated in ladies church groups, help count the offerings after church services, was director of crafts during Vacation Bibe School with me as her assistant, organized a town-wide garage sale with a friend where several families in Milo had garage sales the same day, sewn quilts and t-shirt cloth diapers for World Relief, she was the treasurer to our high school’s music boosters. She joined the town quilting club, the town's 4th of July committee who gave her an award for her service, and the our county genealogy club. She spent years researching family history visiting cemeteries and courthouses. She spent years trying to find a connection with Mary Todd Lincoln and, happy to discover her great-grandmother turned out to be cousins with the former First Lady. She even worked on my Dad’s family history tracing ancestors as far as she could to the 1st immigrant who came to America and found a relative had rung the Liberty Bell. My Mom did plenty with her life.

Mom’s life began in her aunt’s farmhouse near Dexter in 1939. She was the second child following a brother and eldest daughter of who lived on a farm. Two more sisters came later, and one shared her birthday. At first, she wasn’t sure she liked this human birthday present, but she gladly told everybody that they were twins born seven years apart. She learned to play the piano and when she had her own house she enjoyed playing an electric organ. She tried to grow a vegetable garden for a 4-H project, but the vegetables were eaten by grasshoppers. When she had her own family, she was a leader in her elder daughters’ 4-H group. Mom loved her flower beds that she said came from the prior owner. My Mom made many of her own clothes and even sewn her own wedding gown and tiara veil that now sits in the town’s museum under the label “homemade wedding gown”. Mom also made clothes for her children and grandchildren. She made doll clothes for her daughters and Halloween costumes for her granddaughters. That was something special I cherished about my Mom. A trip to the fabric store where we looked at pattern books for clothes we wanted, picked out the fabric and buttons, and she would make it for us. The last item she made for me was a quilt from her Aunt’s scrap fabric pieces. All those homemade things that took weeks or months to complete were not just a hobby, but an act of love. Many items she made went to charity through the church. One project she joined through church was making burial clothes and blankets for stillborn babies. A few years she entered a doll clothing contest at a bank whose dolls were donated to charity after the contest. I’m certain she won at least once and received a prize. She entered the county fair with her sewing projects and was proud of her ribbons. Later she entered items in the genealogy section too and won more ribbons.

She took us out for trips in a pull-out camper and forbade television until Dad came along to watch a small, black and white, travel television set. We swam in lakes and campground pools, enjoyed playgrounds, read books, played card games, and took walks on nature trails. Mom appreciated learning about history and viewing nature. We learned patience when Dad had to read every sign in a museum. Once we took a cross-country camper trip to visit her brother who lived in Washington. It was quite a sight seeing our camper in their driveway for a week. Later, she took her granddaughters camping. We traveled by camper across the country visiting national or state parks plus historic houses and museums because Dad would never fly us anywhere until the family went to London and then we had to fly. When we went to Paris on the chunnel, I took a boat tour with Mom while the rest of the family went to the Louvre Museum. Mom didn’t want to walk that much, and I kept her company. We had lunch by the Eiffel Tower from a food truck. Once she became a grandmother, she was proud of every little accomplishment her grandchildren reached from first learning to walk to dance recitals, softball and baseball games, and graduating college with honors. She was certain to show visitors her photos of her grandchildren and later great-grandchildren. We all were her pride and joy. Like her mother before her, Mom would bake food dishes from scratch. There were no TV dinners in her house. When we had school Christmas parties, I brought Mom’s homemade fudge because that was one thing nobody else brought (and it was delicious). She was astonished that kids nowadays don’t know what fudge is. Every Christmas she would ask us what treat we wanted her to bake, and I always said English Toffee. That was something she passed on to her daughters and granddaughters who bake holiday treats from scratch, sew, and make crafts.

Once Dad left us, she moved into a senior living community to be around people and at the age of 72, learned to play poker with nickels and dimes. One thing the residents noticed was that widowed Mom continued to wear her wedding ring. After 45 years of marriage, she wore it for years simply because Dad gave it to her. Dad always joked he was tricked into marrying Mom. She went away on vacation with her family to California. When she returned, he had missed her so much that he blurted out a proposal after a date while sitting in the car taking her home. She received her engagement ring along with chocolates and roses later, on her birthday at her parents’ house. We kids teased Dad that Mom could have met a Hollywood star in California and left him behind. It was a miracle they got married at all. When they met at a YMCA dance, Dad asked Mom to dance, and she turned him down. He said he was a railroad man, and they were known to be skirt chasers which encouraged her to reject him. Later they met again in a round robin circle dance and Dad was not happy to see her. Mom was a proper, gracious lady and smiled to dance with him to learn that he was no skirt chaser, so she gave this shy guy a chance. Then before their first date, Mom got sick with pneumonia and ended up in the hospital. Her boarding house roommates commented that some guy kept calling for her and were unsure what to tell this stranger. She insisted they tell this guy where she was. Dad came to the hospital saying he was about to give up on her. And as they say, the rest was history. Life wasn’t perfect with Dad working on the railroad and Air National Guard to be away a lot. Mom was often alone with four needy children. Thank goodness Grandma was a few blocks away and did much babysitting so Mom could grocery shop in peace. He was also sweet picking flowers from Mom’s flower beds so she could have pretty flowers on the kitchen table to look at. At dance receptions, Dad would slow dance with Mom even though she said he had two left feet. At least my family has comfort that Mom is with Dad now and I know they are dancing together in heaven to the songs of angels

Mom's visitation

We held the visitation at the funeral home. I recorded the slide presentation share with famlily who couldn't come. We picked 2 Johnny Cash songs to play during the slide show. Mom loved 1950's-60's country music. We had the poem I selected on the back of the obituary folder. A group of local family came and I tried to get each one hugged. A few of my brother's church friends came. A few people from our hometown came. My sister brought cookies from a bakery. Not that many people came. Most people who would have come live too far away or dead. Her senior community friends wouldn't be able to come and her old church friends would be too unhealthy or dead. Oh well. That's how the cookie crumbles. I had a few cookies to help eat them up. Most were gone by the end.

Homemade pizza

Making a homemade pizza tonight. Had a flashback of Dad making pizza on Sunday nights. Always hamburger pizza for Mom. Pizza crust was thin in some areas and roommate complained his piece fell apart. He didn't really like it. Oh well. I rather liked and might just get a different crust next time. I have a can pizza sauce and shredded cheese leftover.

Received a copy of the funeral home slide show of photos describing Mom's life and family. My sister did a good job arranging all the pictures we emailed her. A few of mine were in the collection.

Back to work

Well, secretary is going to be out of the office for a while. Has a back injury from falling down and might need surgery. Won't be back any time soon.

I went to work today. At first I thought I would take the whole week off and the funeral and clearing out Mom's room would be done this week. With the funeral being set for Monday, I decided to work on Friday and take off Monday. A quiet day with a few appointments. With the secretary gone I'm given more responsibilities so didn't watch any learning videos today. Thank goodness. Returned home to continue working on my eulogy for Mom. I actually felt her spiritual presence while roommate was playing a video game. She said, "You can do it". Naturally, I burst into tears and had to go to my room to cry. Sister insists my brother-in-law read the eulogy cause I can't handle it and they must go over the eulogy cause I might put in something the public should not know. I know, I can't be negative, all positive. Lashing out in angry and revealing what manipulative, abusive witch she was would be inappropriate for a funeral when we are saying our final good-bye.

Clearing out Mom's room

Took my roommate and his girlfriend to Mom's skilled care room to help move a couch. They ended up packing her clothes and pack boxes into the cars we had. At first roommate was mad he asked to carry the couch with my brother and then being told to do it. He agreed to it when I asked and we rented the truck so I insist he keep his word. He lives here rent free so he can help my brother move a couch. Once we got there a laundry worker stopped and hugged. Her mother was a childhood friend and she was so sad when my Mom passed cause she was so sweet. Then her mother shared my social media post on the obituary from the funeral home and she was shocked to learn the connection. Small world as they say. Roommate made a joke and said he felt something poke him. Maybe Mom's ghost did that. I got a couch, a vest, a table decoration for fall and Christmas, and a couple tables. We got everything in the house and bought them lunch to say thanks. He finally felt appreciated.

Working out the details

Worked on composing a eulogy for Mom since I took the day off for bereavement. What do you say about a housewife without a career? Plenty. I guess the service will be online so my niece in South Korea can watch it. Still working out the details. So much to do.

We visited the funeral director and met the pastor from Mom's church. I gave him my rough draft of a eulogy so he has an idea of what Mom was like. Of course I will be editing it until the day of the funeral next Monday. Sister insisted we didn't need pall bearers when we got together yesterday to discuss detail of the funeral. I wanted a poem and my sister didn't want a stupid poem in the funeral. Funeral director said we do need pall bearers to take the coffin in and out of the hearse. I contacted the few males in the family, this family is mostly women. We agreed to a Monday funeral because of the polar vortex this week and nobody wants to stand outside in 0 degree temperatures. Monday should be warmer at least. Weatherman says it will be in 40's. Got the hymns and verses picked out.

RIP Mom

Got woken up by sister calling my cell phone at 5:30 AM. I thought it was my cell alarm so swiped and layed back down. I could hear her vocie saying, "Hello, Hello?". I realized my sister my was calling me, but she hung up. She called my regular phone and I answered. I apologized and explained I thought it was my phone alarm going off. The nurse woke her up to tell her Mom was gone. I read messages how Mom was in pain last night so doctor got painkillers ordered from a pharmacy that were to be deilvered. All they had was morphine and not the other painkillers that was delivered around 2:30 AM. At least she wasn't in pain when she died in her sleep and with my Dad now. She missed him.

Happy Birthday Dear Sister

Visiting Mom again. Went to church and brunch afterwards. Came to straight over. Brought birthday card for sister. Another sister (oldest sister) and aunt visited too. We plan on celebrating sister’s birthday at dinner. Playing old 1950-60's country music for Mom. Sister tried to get Mom to eat some jello and drink some apple juice. All she could get her to eat at lunch was chocolate ice cream. Sister and aunt left for home. Planned to celebrate my sister's 56th birthday with dinner at a restaurant. Sister gave me some cash to buy dinner. Sister confessed she forgot all about her birthday until I reminded her yesterday. She loved my card.

Then sister got concerned Mom's cheeks were ruddy so had the nurse take her temperature. 100.4 so slight fever and blood pressure was high. Nurse was concerned about giving her medicine when we can't wake her up enough to swallow it. Sister called hospice for an evaluation. Last time they took Mom to the hospital, they had to wait 6 hours to be seen by the ER doctor. Hospice probably would be better since she doesn't have long to live. She planned on calling hospice tomorrow. Usually they take about 2 hours to come evaluate the patient. I grabbed some fast food for sister and I. I gave back the cash since not going out for her birthday dinner. I had to leave to take roommate to work. Sister got ice cream from the nurse and try to feed it to Mom who wouldn't wake up. Get home and roommate doesn't work tonight. What? He couldn't have told me this earlier, I would have stayed with my Mom. He said I can go back. But then I have to use up more gas to go back and forth. I have to be stingy with my money. I will visit her tomorrow after work. He said they changed his work time from 7 PM to 6 PM and then he called before work and they had enough staff that he didn't need to come. I am not liking this manager of his. He calls her a heroin addict and shouldn't be a manager.

Sister messaged hospice did their evaluation. Nurse thought she had days to live not weeks. Sister #1 returned to spend the night with Mom and Sister #2 went home after a trying day to celebrate her birthday with her family and eat her cake they got her.

Visiting Mom

Visiting Mom today. She just had lunch when I arrived and is resting. She will suddenly open her eyes and go back to sleep. I put a basketball game in the TV for her. Sister came by. Fed her some apple cider and jello. Then nurses came to take her to dinner. Trying to get her to eat. I had to leave to take my roommate to work. Visit tomorrow. I plan to visit every day cause we don't know how much time Mom has left.

Happy Valentine's Day

Took cupcakes to work and my financial advisors at one. I ate the other. Very good. Roommate used all the vegetable oil so used corn syrup. A little dense but then red velvet usually is. I added some cocoa powder too. So many red velvet cakes are just colored vanilla cakes. Red Velevet is supoosed to be chocolate flavored. Didn't visit Mom today, she is in the hospital so can't see her. Sister is with her. She is dehydrated, not eating or drinking much. Sister said she might be sent back to the skilled care place later today. Have to try to visit tomorrow.

Wow, got another lecture from roommate. He is tired of my negative and stressed attitude. He is moving out when he gets money cause he is tired of my depressive energy. He stops playing video games and goes downstairs to separate from my negative energy. My merchandise I try to sell nobody wants. I am wasting time and money on it cause no gift shop is going to my order my merchandise to sell in their store. I should plant vegetables and strawberries to sell at farmers markets. Well applications for farmers markets have to be done now and fees for the one I applied for are $35 per day and all paid now. Sure I can sit on a highway and sell from my car, but problem is I don't have a huge yard to grow that much. I need a lot of produce to sell to be profitable. I'm not going get hundreds of dollars selling strawberries. Plus it takes time to grow plants and can't have new products every week. Then he gets mad I shoot his ideas down. I said if he wants to plant vegetables and strawberries to sell he is welcome to that. All I ask for is rent and he can keep the rest of his money to buy whatever he wants. If he wants to figure out how to make strawberry jam and sell it, he can do that. He couldn't follow directions to make soap. All his soap batches came out bad and the ran out of ashes to make more lye. He further explained he doesn't worry about money like I do. All I think about is bills. Yeah, because I am the one paying for everything. He says he works tomorrow and saving money to get an electric scooter to do food delivery. I told him his new boss might be giving so few hours to test him if he stays and then maybe later give him more hours. Just a thought. I agreed to anything just to end the lecture. He wants to move out into a hotel room or apartment then he is welcome to. He is not a prisoner, he can move out when he wants.

Mom getting close to the end

Well, took roommate to the dentist. And he wanted to leave cause he had to wait. Appointment is at 3. We were there at 3. Just X rays so should take 5 minutes. Explained that is not how this works. He needs to wait behind the other 3 people at the receptionist desk, tell them he is there, and he receives forms to fill out since it is his first visit. Then he waits to be called. I've waited 20 minutes to see a doctor. Gets his X rays and they don't clean his teeth. They decide on 2 wisdom teeth to be taken out that are bothering him. They recommended braces cause his teeth are a little cramped up. Plus, he 4 cavities. He refuses the braces cause who knows if Trump will cancel his Medicaid. He doesn't want to get them then have have to pay for them himself.

After taking roommate to the dentist, spend 2 hours shoveling snow in my driveway, and then bake cupcakes. Roommates came out to help the last 10 minutes when I was almost done. During my rest period, he made me a mug of cocoa.

Well, got a call from my sister about our Mom while I was bakign cupckaes and she thinks the end is coming soon. A week, a month, who knows. Mom is sleeping a lot and not eating much. Last I visited her she was very weak and her voice was soft. Though she could stand up and walk a few steps. I expected this news, but doesn't make it hurt less. From my experience, when people go downhill, it happens very fast. I said I would visit tomorrow cause right now was out of the question.

Wow. After I take my roommate to the dentist then spend 2 hours shoveling snow, then bake cupcakes, he demands I do dishes at 10 PM when I should be getting ready for bed. My arms are killing me. I was watching a movie that was ending. Good night.

A bit of snow

Left 10 minutes early to compensate for the slow driving in the snow this morning. Driving wasn't bad. Arrived 10 minutes early for work. No matter, secretary had the day off so I was in command of the office until financial advisors arrived. Driving home found a delivery truck had jumped a curb. The only vehicle accident I witnessed. Most people were driving slow and cautiously. Snow isn't much of an issue. I can handle snow. I once drove home on the dark highway during white out snow storm that I could barely see the rear lights of the car in front of me and driving a compact car that was a piece of junk. It's ice and heavy wind that makes me lose control to end up in a ditch.

We got 6.4 inches of snow.

Hospice Meeting

My heart is broken. Received a message from sister about a meeting with staff about putting Mom is hospice. She is very weak. I never got a chance to pay her back all the money I borrowed when unemployed multiple times from taking temp jobs. She bought my SUV and gave down payment for my house. I am trying to pay back the vet bills she and my sister paid for. My bad luck and terrible paying jobs just never end.

Since they are predicting a snow storm, the Wednesday meeting has been moved to Thursday. I take my roommate to the dentist on Thursday so have to miss it.

Am I not suffering enough?

Great, as if I am not suffering enough. I have to wait until Monday to call an electrician to check on my ceiling fan that is clicking. I have no money to pay them until I get paid. I'm living on peanut butter sandwiches waiting to get paid to buy groceries.

Update: Talked to my brother about where the sound is coming from, the ceiling or the fan. He thinks it's stupid to have a ceiling fan in the kitchen cause I have a fan over the stove at the bottom of my microwave. I thought of getting a new light fixture instead of calling an electrician. My roommate said a new ceiling fan would cost less than hiring a electrician. Roommate said he would look at my ceiling fan for the clicking sound. He took out the light bulbs then flipped the breaker switch to cease the power to it and it stopped clicking. I said I would not call an electrician until after he looks at the ceiling fan. May have to get new light bulbs.

Catching up on news articles

First the USAID, then Education Department, then EPA, then the FBI, and now all employees of CIA are informed to quit their jobs so they all can be replaced by Trump loyalists. I wonder how many of these people voted for him. Since many people sleep through history class, let me explain this is how dictatorships are born. We are in Nazi America, but many don't care until they are the target of Trump. He will save us from illegal aliens and inflation was all people cared about during the election. Believe me, one day, they will be a target of Trump. He has started destroying the economy with his tariff war. He has laughed how we should shoot illegal aliens and deport American criminals to other countries. ICE raids and he is trying to take away citizenship rights which is what Hitler did to the Jews and look what happened to them. Now some general is saying prepare for war. With what country exactly? Seriously, who is standing up to him? People in power let him do whatever he wants and defend him to the end. Wake up people cause you Trumpers are living in a fantasy world cause you ain't the one being persecuted. Congratulations, for now.

Freezing Rain

Well that was fun. Worked all day cause freezing rain is expected so they cancelled the dentist appointment. Drive home skidding a couple times and Ican tell which streets were preteated with brine before the pavement had a sheet of ice on it. I arrive home and needs to go to grocery store for food since he worked yesteerday and got the early pay. Ok, I just drove in freezing rain. He defended he has been awake all night and all day and it has rained all day. He also has not eaten all day trying to preserve our food until Monday when I get paid. There is ice on my driveway, garbage bins, and mailbox. I scraped ice off my car. We agree to drive the gas station down the street. Start skidding going up a hill once turn a corner (I live on a slope) and forced to return home cause I can't go up the hill. Roommate apologized and said was just going to get beer. Walked to the gas station. He fell a few times and got beer cans instead of bottles so they didn't break. No food we desperately need, just beer. He gets drunk and grabbed a blanket that was on the floor (he fell down onto the floor) to tell me not to wash it because it smells like Bilbo. I wanted to cry. Bilbo was terrified of him. He tried so hard to pet him and at the end he was coming around to let him touch him, but then ran off. Bilbo lived in my bedroom and came out when roomamtes were sleeping for food and litterbox. It was so sweet roommate misses him. I asked to watch a movie since he wasn't playing video games. He asked why. Excuse me, he has been playing games all day and I can't watch a movie. He backed down after that. I put in Lilo and Stitch (he is definately Stitch, girlfriend is Lilo, and I'm Nani trying to hold everything together). As the hula music played he started dancing which was funny to watch. He kept falling down and nodding off to suddenly wake up yelling he is not sleeping. Eventually they went downstairs and he passed out cold. Girlfriend came upstairs for something and went back down. Good night.

Begged for hours

Well, roommate is working tonight. He called them yesterday to ask for hours since my last $20 had to go toward gas to take him to the dentist and make it work until Monday. Though I realized I overbudgeted my cell phone payment. I got a portable modem a while back for a craft fair and returned it after the new year so bill is lower than normal. So in emergency I have $25 for groceries. But not tell them that yet. Then I will have nothing in the bank. Just have to hang until Monday payday.

Strike that. I bought A/C filters this weekend so have $12 for emergency food.

No more food stamps

Well the food stamps have been cut off. Roommate doesn't work today, he works next Monday. He doesn't work all week. Why did they hire him, promote him to shift lead and then not give him hours. Did he quit and doesn't want to tell me? He got his first paycheck Friday. No money came to me.

Happy Groundhog Day

Went to church and brunch afterwards.

Visited Mom today. I haven't visited since Christmas so I should see her so she knows she is not abandoned. I arrived during lunch. She ate in slow motion and at the end needed help with glass/napkin. She kept closing her eyes and pausing before grabbing another bite. She kept talking to me and had to lean in to hear her. After lunch, nurse pushed her back. I was told she isn't to be alone cause she's keeps falling so I have to tell them when I leave. Staff said she is sweet and I look like her. Took her for a walk around the halls in her wheelchair. The common area had basketball playing on the TV so we stopped to watch to the end. Then took her back to her room and she wanted to watch more basketball. Then she wanted to sit in her chair. Next she wanted to stretch out on the bed. Nurses came by with medication and a snack. They lowered the bed so she can't get up from her weak legs. She needed help walking to her chair and bed. Every once in the while they walk by to look into the rooms, checking the patients are ok.