Read stuff on the internet debating Christian beliefs. Some think the Bible is a bunch of fairy tales while others believe the strict interpretation that it is the Word of God. With so many conflicting beliefs around the world, how does one figure out what to believe for themselves. Churches I hear have trouble recruiting young people and slowly dying out of existence as the older generation dies one by one. Well, how does generations fall away from the faith in the first place?
I can only tell you what I live. It was a long and complicated process, not a single event that caused me to be angry with God as many believe. My youth was full of attending church every Sunday, going to Vacation Bible School (I even attended a friend's church's Vacation Bible School one year). I was in the Christmas Play and helped my Mom with crafts for Vacation Bible School as a teenager. I was the weirdo who wore a dress while everyone else wore shorts. My Mom insisted we wear nice clothes to church to show respect to God. Try explaining that to other children. I also enjoyed exploring poetry and remember someone criticized my Mom during Vacation Bible School what a weirdo I was reading poetry when teenagers are supposed to party and cause trouble. Mom defended she rather have me read poetry than be passed out drunk in a ditch. After church as a kid, I would play church and Sunday school with my stuffed animals and dolls. I lined up my toys on the stairs and used a hymnal I found in our organ bench from my grandma's church (my Mom got it when they got new hymnals). That is until a sibling pointed out girls can't be preachers and only be Sunday School teachers. So I stopped playing church. And of course, there is the issue of my ability to see spirits that others do not. I've seen angels, demons, animal ghosts, and human ghosts. I will just say paintings in cathedrals are accurate. So I'm crazy and weird.
And there is the culture shift after the Women's Liberation Movement. Churches conduct business as if it never happened, though some will allow women priests and play more modern music now. Women in my church were allowed to set up the communion and wash the tiny cups, but not serve it. An elder and priest served communion (elders and church council were all men). Someone talked my Dad into being church treasurer. My Mom did all the work (I helped write things down for her) and all my Dad did was read a report my Mom typed up cause women can't be church council members. Girls were not allowed to be acolytes until my church voted to allow it causing the church to split into 2 congregations that occurred after I left. Even better was a priest stating in Bible Study to the adults that no where in Bible does it say homosexuals are not human and don't deserve God's love. He was asked to leave the church because of that. I gather many adults relive their childhood at church. They want doctrine they had as a child and sing hymns that are familiar to them. Then the generations after them want to change the church to fit in with the way they grew up as latchkey kids with working mothers and going to rock concerts. Some leave the church while others come during important events.
I would say I started to fall away around age 12. That was when view of God from a loving, kind, father we can turn to in need shifted to a jealous and angry God who will send us to Hell if we commit a sin. I understand an adult need to control rebellious teenagers, but Fear of Hell looses its grip in the face of God's forgiveness. I got a whiff of adult self-righteousness, snobbery, hypocrisy, not practicing what they preach, and having no answers to questions (Why are black animals from the devil and need to be punished with abuse for being born the wrong color of fur?). Plus had a relative stop coming to church cause in a sermon the priest criticized people who don't regularly go to church when they wanted to be uplifted. Why do I have to attend church when others do not? You can call me Anti-Organized Religion, but Atheist is easier to say.
Devout Adult Christians I have met are not fun cause there is no air around them, constantly quote things instead of giving an opinion, and go off the deep end declaring people as fake Christians and condemning people who believe a different ideology will go to Hell. And then they are confused why so few follow them. Rarely do I find Christian love your neighbor as yourself philosophy in adult devout Christians (priests are usually the exception in this). Every time I go to a rock concert there is always someone standing outside shouting we are all going to Hell for attending this evil concert. I had relatives telling me I'm damned to Hell for no longer going to church. Which is awkward defending Christianity to Atheists who are more Anti-Christianity than Anti-God. Atheists can call the Bible poppycock, I see it more as a history book of an ethnic group. I have a passion for mythology which historians are looking at more like a history of events that took place in the Stone Age. Troy was thought to be a fairy tale until someone in the 1800's found it. Some believe the fairy tale Atlantis was the island Thera/Santorini.
Now what would bring me back to church every Sunday, you ask? Many have invited me to their church and hear me reply in the negative. Well, my Mom has been trying to Bring Me Back to the Faith for the past 30 years so what makes anyone think they could do any better? I have been to church for baptisms, confirmations, and weddings. Since I was godmother to my niece I took communion at her confirmation though haven't taken it since. I became good at doing the motions without the emotions which few can understand. Some might call it acting.
I have taken to watching church services on Sundays which I tell nobody about. Mainly because I was so angry for a time period and I had no idea why. Then one night a dark spot appeared on the bedroom wall and got bigger to the size of a door. A creature with a buffalo head, man's chest and arms with claws, bovine legs and hooves, and complete with a buffalo tassel-tip tail. I laid in my bed terrified. The spirit jumped me and it felt like my soul was on fire. I had visions of murdering my neighbors (who were nice people and never wish to hurt them). I battled the spirit thinking of my family, my pets, dancing in ballet shoes, and singing to fill my soul with love. It finally jumped out growling like one of my cats. Then, an angel came down from the ceiling and laid beside me. It ordered the spirit to leave. It left through the black door and the dark spot got smaller until it disappeared. I asked the angel what that thing was and it answered the devil. Angel presence was warm and calm. So started watching church services to clear the apartment of evil spirits with holy words. Moving into a house, I saw dark shadows in the bedroom where I sleep. In fact, a cat refused to enter the room ever since I saw a white ghost light floating around. My cat meowed when it floated above him. It would stop at the threshold terrified to go in the room. I again, became angry for no reason so started hanging a cross on the doorknob. The air feels different. I do pray for a better life and it stays the same. Prayed for a husband for over 3 years and still haven't found anyone I want to be with. Maybe if I got married and had a child I would return to the church cause I would wish my child to know God. My family is Christian so it would feel normal returning to the church.
