Therapist Day

Well, I did it. Had anxiety attacks all weekend finishing my bankruptcy paperwork then the credit counseling, but I turned in my paperwork to the lawyer today. They said they will get to it in a few weeks cause there are people ahead of me, but in a few months when debts are discharged I can start saving money again. Once the bankruptcy gets filed, the credit cards have to stop calling. Won't be able get loans or credit cards right away cause Ch 7 bankruptcy stays on your credit report for 10 years. Hopefully employers doing a credit checks won't think badly of me. Over time I can build up my credit score back to excellent.

I visited my therapist and he said I need better coping skills to deal with stress in life. Appliances break, cars get wrecked, and jobs get lost, and happens to everyone. I said I turned in my bankruptcy papers to the lawyer today and roommate is gone so utilities and food cost will go down in the future. He gave me homework to connect with people like sister or people from work. He wants me to join a ladies club or church to be around people. I need to recover from my financial trauma and take care of myself again.

Worked on uploading my beaded pens I made last night for sale on my online shop. Hopefully someone buys something. I need the money not keep spending money and time making things people don't buy. Still in a daze from roommate's sudden departure on Monday. House feels empty even with my cats. One cat jumped on the bed this morning and scratched my nose so had to wash the bloody sheets with the rest of my laundry. Did the dishes too. I lived by myself for 25 years and I can get used to being by myself again. We both expected this day to come when he would leave to take charge of his life and future. He wants to get married to his girlfriend and have his own family. I don't fit into that picutre. I certainly didn't expect him to be here for so long. I wish him well. It was nice having someone around so I miss him. If the new arrangement doesn't work out, then he can always come back. I have pets buried in the backyard so I will never leave this house until I die.

Day off

Slept half the day since I was up late making beaded keychains and pens. Took photos today. Have to get them out there so people can buy them. Ate some crackers from losing my appetite. I know I'm depressed and walking around in a daze. Waitign for my credit counseling certificate to coem so I can turn in my papers to the bankrupcty lawyer.

Skidded on the ice

Had fun sliding on the ice this morning going home. Braked for a red light and car failed to slow down so it was either hit the truck in front of me or jump the curb and hit a light pole. Light pole survived without damage that I could see. A guy across the street tried to push me out of the snow I was stuck in. He called 2 buddies who came to help push me out of the snow. I waved goodbye and came home.

Doing my credit counseling for my bankruptcy filing. It's such a good time reading how to save money. Go to library and borrow movies and books for free, and free internet access. Shop for clothes at thirft stores. Lower your electric bill by turning off lights when not using them. My favorite was my housing should be $525 per month according my in income. Yeah, a studio apartment is $800 in the city. $700 if bad neighborhood. Oh, I should get a roommate to help lower expenses. Oh, OK. I have an unemployed roommate plus his friend living here who does food delivery, and he pays for food for himself but not for my roommate and I. I should also get a part time job to increase my income. Applied all summer for part-time work and not one interview. I can't do a part time working overnights and feels like I work 6 days a week. I should try debt consolidation. I already did and emptied my IRAs trying to pay everything. Anything else you can tell me that I don't already know or actual have control over?

Roommate and his car buddy left around 6 PM while I watching the news and reading emails. In Stand By Me, Gordie says "Friends come in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant". It's true. I think I am still in shock of him leaving suddenly right when I am preparing to turn in my bankruptcy papers. I know he feels guilty not helping me out as much as he could. He has his own problems to deal with. I need to refocus on taking care of myself and my cats, and my house. When he left, he told me he was nervous about going because his friendship with his buddy is in shambles and he is hiding drinking when roommate is not around. He has no idea what he is getting into and I might need to come get him if this doesn't work out. I said I would come get him if it didn't work out. I said earlier when he first told me he was leaving for good that if 10 years down the road and he was sleeping under a bridge suffering from hypothermia that I would come get him. I would drive to New York to come get him. I keep myself listed for family emergencies and pets are buried in the backyard so I will never leave my house until I die. He is now not taking his cat with him as he planned before. So it if it does work out, he will come back for his cat. Then he left not saying goodbye, not even a hug goodbye. He send a text message saying he will miss me. I will miss him too. It is hard for me to make friends. People think we have a weird relationship. He is a lot like what I used to be. Except I wasn't thrown away and forced to make friends with other homeless people who love meth and weed. Though I said his friends were just using him and eventually he did let go of several of them realizing I was right about that. My parents let me live with them 2 years after I graduated college and my crazy mom scares people away so I have trouble making friends. Most people are superficial and snobby and I don't meet their standards. WHo wants to be friends with someone with an overbearing, dysfunctional family.

Worked on beaded key chains and beaded pens to sell on my online shop. Hopefully I can sell something. I need to make more money since I can't find a better paying job. I decided I need to stop applying for jobs. I check the want ads every day so taking a breaking until Valentine's Day. If I get a job interview, of course I will go. Just takign a break from applying for a few weeks.

Changes in the wind

Well, got all my bankruptcy papers filled out and bills copied for the lawyer. Plan to turn them in tomorrow. People tell me I will feel better once it's over and stop fretting about it. I think I will stop applying for jobs until Valentine's Day. I check the want ads practically every day so I need a break. If I get an interview, of course I will go, just cease applying for a a few weeks. I need to take better care of my self so will focus on that. I got out my Valentine's decorations out and looking at the stuff I made last year nobody would buy. I doubt anyone will buy them this year so just save them for me. I got some beads, beadable pens, beadable keychains, and bracelets so will work on those my days off. If can't sell them then I will give them away on Valentine's Day. I have to keep trying to make more money somehow when employers won't hire me.

I researched making epoxy resin jewelry, t-shirt transfers, decorating drink tumblers, and cake mixes in a jar. The resin jewelry I might do later, but not now. I would need tiny flowers or tiny decorations to put it them. T-shirt and Tumbler deals I doubt my abilities to draw out stuff, my artist drawing is not that great. Cake mix would need a 32 oz mason jar and cake would be a 1 layer 8-inch cake or 12 cupcakes so maybe not worth my time right now. This where I got into trouble my first year, trying to expand too fast. See if people like my beads first.

Prepared a candle gift for the departing HR person. Last day is Friday. Such a sweet person, I will miss her.

Roommate said he planned on leaving today and later said he was waiting for the green light from buddy's mother to come over. Apparently she is sending gas money to them.

Hit with a hammer

Roommate wakes me up upset I turned downed the thermostat (it was 80 degrees in here and I'm sweating). When I do that it is cold in the basement where he spends most of his time. I had about 2 hours of sleep so I just grunted. After a couple more hours of sleep, I got up to start looking for dehumidifers that could improve the temperature in the basement. Well found some but they were to expensive or too small to be effective. I came home with groceries from the store sale and roommate wants to talk to me. I apologize about not getting a dehumidifier for him like I messaged him that I would do today and explained I got groceries for us. He said not to worry about that.

He was offered a job by car buddy's mom and invited to live in a room in her home. But she lives 2 hours away. Won't tell me what city, but still in the state so not violating his probation. He is taking his clothes, backpack, cat, and few belongings, but will leave some things here he will come back and visit to get. The mom does handyman work as a self employed person and buddy's brother lives with her too. Ok. He can't get a job here, can't make money here, and he is frustrated. He didn't say when exactly he is leaving. I wished him well and said I would miss him. I hope it works out for him. For a year I have expected this day to come and I am half sad and half relieved. When he was gone to Tennessee with his friend it felt weird the first couple days not to have him here, but I got over it and enjoyed watching the cats come out, plus having the house to myself. I got accustomed to him being here for so long, I will be fine and get accustomed back to being alone with 2 cats again. It was the plan when he moved in that he was expected to leave eventually. Soon he will.

Taking care of myself

Did an hour of exercise today. Cooped up in my house, my muscles are getting stiff. Looking forward to spring and walking around local lake again.

I told roommate everyone is stressing me out by telling me to kick him out for not helping me out. I don't kick him out cause I understand how hard it is to get a job. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I have looked for a job for a year while working a job and running an online store doing farmer's markets. He is not the mooch people think he is. But as time goes by of him not working, it gets hard to defend why he is still here after a year living here. He told me he filled out a bunch of applications, but nobody gives him an interview. I understand his frustration. He even talked about going to donate plasma again to get money to groceries after I told him the local grocery store is having a sale.

Watched ice skating US Championship on TV. Later, went to work and sweated from the furnace working again. I was wearing a heavy sweater and tights under my dress pants cause it's cold outisde.

Back together again

Woke up in the afternoon and roommate is all good with car buddy again. Heard car buddy had an interview at a fast food place and they are talking about getting a place together again. Just the other day roommate was looking at coal mining or oil rig jobs out of state when probation over with. He can't make money here. That freaked out car buddy at the prospect of roommate leaving. Then roommate got upset of him being too clingy and needs to keep pushing him away. Oh well, they are happy again.

Well, need to exercise now. My therapy session made me realize I'm not taking care of myself. So exercising one day and meditation the next day. Then update my bankruptcy paperwork before work. Roommate made spaghetti. I like mine plain with parmacean cheese so he cooked it with milk and butter. It was very good.

Last night's drama

Well roommate and car buddy had another fight. He used roommate's phone for food delivery cause his is offline. Well he changed the password on roommate's phone that upset roommate. Friend bought him a margarita to be forgiven. Well he left and came back drunk and the fight begins. Doing laundry across roommate's room I heard one of them crying but unsure which. Well, friend went to leave saying to me that he threatened his life, but roommate pulled him back from driving drunk. Gets upset when friend bumps into my display case with figurines and a couple fall over. Don't break her things or roommate will kill friend. Both go downstairs again. Roommate comes up later unsure what to do. He wants to throw him out again, but then he demands his gifts back. He just gave roommate his old computer, which now has a broken monitor from their fight last night. Roommate is sad he can't play Minecraft now. I explain that demanding gifts back is not really a gift, it's a loan. Well this morning girlfriend came over and roommate is saying his friend threw a chair at him last night. Hope it wasn't my chair and it is now broken. He is so happy she is here. He even cooked the cinnamon rolls I bought. Girlfriend got a restraining order from her ex. She talked to the friend saying he is going down a dark path. Alcohol, meth, marijuana, cigarettes and whatever else he does have bad/dark pathways.

Saw a therapist today. I got my insurance back. Roommate says I need to get over my depression. I was recovering from it during the holidays and baking treats to give away. Now I am being threatened with wage garnishment from not paying credit cards and every time I go near my bankruptcy paperwork, I have an anxiety attack. He said I will feel better once I file the bankruptcy and stop stressing about it. So updating my paperwork and making an appointment with the bankruptcy attorney. He also said I need to be more firm with roommate about getting a job or find another place to live. I said it is hard to be firm when I'm barely functioning from stress and anxiety. Have another appointment next week. He talked about medication. I said I was open to that. I said earlier in the session when my insurance ended and no more meds that I felt better cause meds made me sleepy so I took them before bed.

No interview again

Scratch another interview. I emailed the manager back to set up an interview and they never answered me. What, because I didn't pick up the phone when they felt like calling, I don't get an interview. Managers are so weird sometimes.

On a plus I saw 3 doe deer walk down my street tonight.

Possible interview

Yippee! Someone called and emailed wanting to set up an interview. I emailed back I have the next two days off.

Strike a coworker

Hotel fired one of the shuttle drivers last week for misbehavior and another has been filling in their hours. She is one of those all over the place employees. Helps with breakfast, with Banquet events, tends bar, housekeeper when someone doesn't come in, and fills in as shuttle driver. Now she says she will apply to be the new driver because her Banquet coworkers are calling her a traitor for working in another section. And these people are from another hotel. When the task force manager came he brought employees from his old hotel over to this hotel. And there is a lot of favoritism going on saying screw you to this hotel's employees. She complained events were cancelled from the pipes bursting and went to other hotels, and nobody told her she didn't need to come in to work that night. She is tired of this new manager who doesn't care, except for his inner circle peeps from his old hotel. We will gladly take her. We need a shuttle driver and awesome employee.

Nice offer

Wow, the hotel corporate office is offering an employee only flat rate for hotel rooms from Bahamas to Hawaii. Great, if only I can afford the plane ticket to get there.

Chores done and Back to work

Finished shoveling my driveway in 2 hours so I could get out without getting stuck. Then made clothing charity donation, turned in my pop bottles, sold my Vogue magazines for $2 at the bookstore, and picked up groceries. Now the news says 3 inches of snow coming in the afternoon and overnight. I handle 3 inches.

Arrived at work and well I missed excitement my days off. Pipe burst in the break room and flooded the back hallway again. Again, fire alarm went off at 10PM from leaky pipe. Then another day a pipe burst over the accounting office so accountant had to move to a HR office. But on a plus, the lobby isn't freezing. Though had a couple people complain about brown water coming out of their faucet and low water pressure.

Interesting Day

My adventure last night at work was security found a kitchen staff member sleeping the Executive Chef office and I had to check who it was. He sat in the chair in the dark cold room (furnance is broken so whole hotel is cold at 62 degree) and asked if there was a problem. Yeah, it's 2 AM and you are off the clock sleeping in an office chair like a homeless person. I asked he couldn't get home tonight cause I can get him a room. Walked him to the front desk and had him sign for the employee room due to weather. I was in the middle of my audit so couldn't check him in yet but made a key and sent him on his way.

Make it home and run through the hard snow so I don't get stuck. Hooray! Wake up later to roommate and car buddy going out to a store. They celebrated his birthday yesterday here and car buddy never left. They come back and I go back to sleep. I finally get myself out of bed in the middle of the afternoon. Roommate is drunk out of his mind with bloodshot eyes. Car buddy seems just fine. Apparently there was a challenge for roommate to drinka 6-pack of 16 oz cans of beer. He opened the 5th can of the pack fumbling around to open it. He reeled around the house crashing into walls and fell on the floor to need help getting up. Had to use the bathroom a dozen times. Everytime he looked at me he smiled with a giggle. Good to know he's happy to see me. I asked car buddy to stop challenging him cause he is scaring me with him going down stairs to his basement room. He can easily fall down the stairs and get hurt.

I sat in my room working on emails and setting up a new online shop. I am so desperate for money I paid someone $20 to set up a Shopify store selling other people's products. They picked kitchenware, but set it up as a furniture store so had to fix and delete alot of it. I hope to add my candles and wax melts later. I have to keep trying to make money since nobody will hire me at a better job that pays enough to live off of. Once the alcohol wore off, roommate wants to cuddle. We cuddled when he got back from Tennessee so I am good for a while. He said he wasn't drunk before. Yea, his bloodshot eyes said differently.

Frozen pipe burst

OMG, it's so cold outside. Shoveled for an hour yesterday after waking up and then come in to get warm. Go back outside and 5 minutes later I'm frozen. Got half the snow behind the car so should get out to go to work. Roommate came home around 10 PM. Good thing cause I was sleeping on the couch and had to get ready for work. He wanted booty, but I had to get ready for work in 20 minutes. At least he helped everytime I got stuck in the driveway cause only half shoveled. I sleep all day and so cold outisde I can't get it finished.

Arrive to work and furnace is broken. Lobby has rented heaters blowing hot air, but employee back hall is freezing. Tried to use pop machine in breakroom and sludge comes out. Ok, drink water. Chef tells me pop is frozen from broken furnace and soon frozen pipe is going to burst. Get my pop from the bar. 1 hour later, fire alarm goes off from a leaking pipe. Luckily engineer hasn't left cause he was waiting for shuttle driver to take him to his car, but now he is staying. He takes the fire department to the basement. Had to wake up chief engineer after midnight at home to get over here. Fire alarm went off two hours later. Now have people demanding free rooms for being woken up twice in the middle of the night. One guy came over and threatened to sue the hotel cause he is pilot who needs 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep to fly a plane and our leaky pipe keeps setting off the smoke alarm waking him up.

I messaged my roommate that I wanted hug him so bad when I get home. I had a really stressful night. He will get his desired booty when I come home.

Nightmare getting to work

Had a nightmare getting to work. Garage door is manual so have to park in driveway to shut the door. Got stuck so called in saying I can't leave my driveway and have to shovel to put car back in garage. Realized I shifted into neutral so once in drive, eventually got car back in garage. But garage door gear is frozen and won't turn. Front door lock wouldn't accept key so went to back door in knee deep snow, kicked in the gate latch that was frozen and struggled to open back door lock. Garage door opened, I got the car in scratching my front fender struggling to steer. Once got traction from garage, I was able to gun it through the snow and far enough from door to move forward. Shut the door, got out of driveway, and got stuck on a side street. Reversed enough downhill to get traction to move uphill and to a main street that was plowed. Once on main street, I was fine and got to work 18 minutes late complete with anxiety attack. Which means it took me 45 min minutes to get to work on a normal 15 minute drive. Phone died so couldn't call them to say I was coming. Stopped relief before he left his home. Finally calmed down to breathe normal again after a couple of hours. Getting home was OK until I got stuck in my driveway. Got out 6 times with the shovel and car still wouldn't move. Grab the kitty litter for traction and I struggled to steer to avoid hitting the car against the door again, but I got it in without another scratch on the front fender. Changing into pjs and having a cup of cocoa. My dress pants and socks soaked (booties are not waterproof). My tights under pants are a good barrier.

Blizzard Rerun

Wasn't snowing when I left for work but was fully coming down when I left. 4 housekeepers called in. Shuttle driver ready to find a new job. Half a dozen employees stayed over in the hotel. Only half full so plenty of room. Strange how we are half full when Caucus Night is Monday. Drive home wasn't bad until reached unplowed residential streets (why can't they plow residential streets before the snow stops). Managed to turn into the driveway and park in the garage just fine. Snow reached my ankles so no big deal. I drive a SUV that is wonderful in this snow. Would be more wonderful if it wasn't 2 wheel drive.

Go to leave for work and snow has doubled. 8.9 inches total. Not as bad with fluffy snow that easily blows around. Shoveled for an hour before it got too cold and had to stop.

Another blizzard coming

Spent 3 hours shoveling the rest of my driveway. Now another storm is coming tomorrow.

Shoveling Away

We got a total of 10.9 inches of snow. It reached over my snow boots. I shoveled 2 hours before the sun went and it got too cold to do anymore. Finish tomorrow. Neighbor was plowing the street since it take 24 hours after the snow stops to plow my dead end street. He works for the electric company and needs out. They said they started plowing the residence streets today at 3PM. Nice.

News said the malls were closed. I worked in 2 malls and they never close cause when schools and offices close, people go shopping. Manager always refused to close the store if we had 1 customer in the store. We closed when 0 customers appeared within 2 hours, then they closed. One store I worked at complained I was late making me retort that I skidded 3 times getting here and lucky I showed up at all. Grocery stores was busy today. They say stay at home, but some people like me working at a hotel don't get that option. When worked at a car rental, no weather closed us down and I once was picked up to work since my car was buried behind a snow pile pile and I didn't have time to dig it out. I don't think my mail carrier came either since no boot prints in the yard.

My ferrets would have loved this thick, heavy snow tall enough to build snow tunnels. But they are in heaven now. Bless them.

Snow storm

Snowstorm started this afternoon. Roommate is still stuck in Tennessee. I have the next two days off and just bought groceries so just sitting at home doing laundry. At rowk I told my coworker who will take my plaxce tonight about the pending snowstorm. He sais he used to live in Minnesota so it was child's play here.

Averted disaster

I haven't seen my roommate's cat around since he left for Tennessee a couple days ago. I look around for her and wondered if she got trapped in my roommate's room with the door shut. Open the door and hear meowing. Good, I found her. Yeah, found her locked in a carrier. I let her out and she was hungry and then pooped in the litterbox. Messaged roommate stuck in Tennesse cause they ran out of money and need to earn some more to get back home. Sigh. He replied he put the cat in the carrier as punishment for eating out of my cat's food dish since cats are territory about their food bowls. Then he left with his friends and forgot about it. I messaged back that he needs to tell me when he does things like this so I can her out to eat and pee. I'm sure the cat bed in the carrier is soaked in urine. That poor cat.

Road Trip

Had a fight with roommate the other night. He went on jabbering while high from a vaping cartridge how he is a psychopath, then sociopath, biploar, and has tourettes. I'm like, Let me add up all these disorders you say you have: Anxiety and Depression, ADHD, and now psychopath or sociopath, tourettes, and bipolar. Have you actually been diagnosed by an actually psychitrist having these disorders. Ok, sociopath or psychopath was a self-diagnosing. I once said there is nothing wrong with him, his problem is being surrounded by manipulators. Then I toss in that he is an addictive personality who deals with his emotions using sex, tobacco ciagrattes, alcohol, and drugs. He argues he is not an addict, he just takes any drug given to him by his friends, gets high every day until he runs out of marijuana, and needs a pick my up to do a job interview or go to work at a job with a difficult manager. Oh, but he's not addict? He told me he gave up meth and then told me later when his friend visited a few days ago they both got high on meth. Oh, he means he doesn't buy meth anymore, if his friend gives it to him for free that doesn't count. He even says therapy doesn't help him with with all his problems. I asked why, cause the therapist will tell him to get off the drugs. He affirms a therapist would encourage his illegal drug use cause marijuana calms his anxiety. I doubt that. He calls me an asshole for calling him an addict and not believing all his diagnoses. He storms downstairs to his room and stayed there the rest of the night. In the fight, I learn a friend of his asked him to take in a new girl they just met into our house cause she had no where to go. But then said never mind. Good, because I am not a free hotel or homeless shelter for every homeless person he has ever met. I gathered, my roommate never met this person and the friend just met this person. He also said he would take care of the dishes and now I am to do cause he hurt his back. Ok, then.

Yesterday he left with car buddy plus 2 other guys to go to Tennessee. I asked what they will do there and he didn't answer. He sent me a message how they ran out of money and have to earn some more to come home. Ok, they are probably doing food service delivery whereever they are.

Had a phone message from someone wantign to set up an interview for an accountign job. I sent them a jobsite message and called twice to leave a voicemail. Geez, why can't people communicate. Because I didn't pick up the phone when they felt like calling, I don't get an interview. And employers wonder why hiring people is so hard.

Happy New Year

New Year's Eve was good. Came home from work and slept until the afternoon. Made it the Extended Family Christmas celebration at my brother's house. Sister-in-law wore a hat from chemo treatments. Why doesn't she get get a wig? She wears it over her forehead so can't tell her eyebrows are missing. Fake eyelashes and a brow pencil can resolve that. To each their own. Within an hour everyone left so I was last to leave. I guess nobody wanted dinner leftovers after a big lunch. Then spent a few hours with roommate playing video games while Iread my emails.

Went to work and heard screaming at midnight. Had a cop working there who told everyone to taje partying upstairs so didn't deal with much. Told the cop that security doesn't deal with drunk people very well. Drunk guests will get confrontational and ready to throw them out the window. Sometimes I have to defuse the situation. I have the power to kick people out so drunk guests treat me differently. I took the liquor bottles out of the gift shop so people returning from the bars wouldn't grab them and demand I sell them more booze. And risk them dropping the bottles that I would have clean up. Can't sell liquor from 2 AM to 6 AM per state law. It was a peaceful night. Came back home and when woke up started putting away the Christmas decorations. Just have the outside lights left to take down. Then back to work again.